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"What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore— And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over— like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?"
A Dream Deferred
Langston Hughes
Urban exploration is always super fun.
Today — the last shared weekend Jillian and I have together before our work schedules change — we took off for Corpus Christi.
With awesome roadtripping music, discovering a fantastic Thai restaurant (I swear Jillian said “best egg rolls of my life” like 9,387,260 times), touring the USS Lexington, eating the world’s largest snowcone and checking out the wildlife refuge, our goal of having an epic day off was definitely fulfilled.
I can’t stop smiling.
It was a good day.
Letter to the editor
Dear Esther,
I’m concerned about you. You haven’t been yourself lately, and I’m worried that we’re starting to drift apart. You seem to be too preoccupied with work, Netflix and errands that I feel like you’re not really paying attention to me. Why do you still have odd sleep schedules? Either sleep or the hours of sleeplessness you’ve been experiencing have cut into the time we could be spending together. It feels like it’s been forever since you stretched out and refocused on who you are.
The fact that you have eaten pizza three days in a row isn’t helping much either. Your diet has been a mess. If you keep this up, you will break my heart.
I know it hurts. It hurts me too. I mean, going for a run and doing yoga right afterwards — we can’t just bounce back into that sort of stuff. There are other things you need to take care of before we can have the relationship we used to have.
There. I’ve said it. But this is a two-way street. Now, you’ve gotta do your part, otherwise we’ll both be unhappy. You’re strong, but you can be stronger. That’s all I want — for you to live up to your potential without any hindrances. Please, I’m on your side.
Yours truly,
Sue Cuerpo
I have a certain fascination with handwriting.
It’s beautiful how one person’s sentiments flow from their mind, down through their arm, into the strokes of a pen and out onto the ink that stains the paper.
But equally as fascinating is the way people add character to their cards.
I got a letter from Ana last week after one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. The first thing I saw was a yellow sun smiling at me. Inside the card, she wrote out – in large, round, bubbly script – how much she loves me and is excited about seeing me for spring break.
I couldn’t help but smile. If she only knew how much that crayon-drawn sun and card brightened my day.
"The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre—
To be redeemed from fire by fire.
Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name"
T.S. Eliot
I’m ready.
"Tell yourself
as it gets cold and gray falls from the air
that you will go on
walking, hearing
the same tune no matter where
you find yourself—
inside the dome of dark
or under the cracking white
of the moon’s gaze in a valley of snow.
Tonight as it gets cold
tell yourself
what you know which is nothing
but the tune your bones play
as you keep going. And you will be able
for once to lie down under the small fire
of winter stars.
And if it happens that you cannot
go on or turn back
and you find yourself
where you will be at the end,
tell yourself
in that final flowing of cold through your limbs
that you love what you are."
Mark Strand
“Lines from Winter”
New year realizations
I know, I know. I’m a little late on this. But it’s better that I actually take the time to think things through than blindly make resolutions.
Two years ago, I made very internal resolution – allow myself to be open to a future that was much different than what I pictured. That opened up an entirely new perspective that showed me that journalism could be used for something much more important than accumulating bylines. That was followed by last year’s very physical goal of no sodas for a year and more pushups (success tastes so much sweeter than syrupy drinks).
So, naturally, I figured that means I’m back to focusing on an internal change, right? Well, this year is definitely going to bring it’s own set of challenges that I know will change me internally whether I want it or not. Because of that, I feel taking on a narrowly focused, highly internal resolution would be hubris. But there are some things I know I want to move toward. Ergo, the list.
:. Learn a new language. Specifically, Thai
:. Get better at yoga (mostly because I want to be able to pull off epic handstands)
:. Stop avoiding (read “being scared of” ) emotions. I think once that starts to change I’ll be more open to God using my emotions toward things and people to either teach me more of His characteristics (in deep love, sadness, joy). It would also spark action even if there was a lot of risk (selflessness without fear of personal hurt). I desire to love like Jesus – fearless, pure, genuine – and that goes against my nature of loving safely, which ends up being pretty selfish because it means I experience a limited form of loving others because I am working hard not to get hurt. And true love is completely selfless.
:. Write letters. Lots of them. To all my besties.
:. Figure out church. I can’t just coast here without a good community. It’s not working out, and I can feel myself justifying selfish desires because of the lack of accountability.
:. Stop procrastinating. I bought a planner. Dad, if you end up reading this I’ll be waiting for the “I told you so” text.
:. Read. More than the stuff I’m copy editing at work. Three-ish books a month would be perfect.
:. Continue setting goals for running. I worked way too hard to make running a habit. I really don’t want to lose that. Now that I know my body won’t break down with distance, I’m ready to start working on speed. I guess this means I’ll be running my tail off.
:. Sleep well. In bed by 12:30 and up before 7. My body is going to need rest as I dedicate time and effort to all of this. And that starts now.
